Ask Terror Almond


2018, May, Tara Almond

I’m often amazed at how quickly life can change. It’s like one minute you’re being dumped by a super hot Puerto Rican gutter punk-looking skateboarder who’s 10 years younger than you and the next minute you’re on a date with a Canadian talking about your top three porn search terms while your cute firefighter friend is tagging along as an awkward *and hot* third wheel.
Meanwhile, a crazy boy 2,000 miles away on the opposite side of the country who you got a 5-year no contact order on last year for putting spyware on your phone and monitoring your phone calls is all of a sudden flaming your phone and leaving desperate messages that he misses you and you’re trying to play it cool like your life isn’t a trainwreck of broken dreams.
Somewhere in between trying not to think about crazy stalkers, being sandwiched between two cute guys laughing at my photos of desert plants that look like dicks, and wandering over to a basement metal show featuring robot teddy bears, I had a realization about just how much our dating and/or sex life is just our subconscious trying to manifest itself in an attempt to resolve the issues or neuroses we developed in our formative years.
For example, I’m pretty sure my neuroses (yes, that’s plural) consist of making up for all those years of being the awkward stoner girl in high school who always had dude friends and never a real boyfriend while most guys would step over me just to drool over my cuter, thinner friends. This may explain why I’ve become a little superficial when it comes to partner selection, even when it means creating unnecessary drama that subtracts from my other pursuits. In other words, I don’t care how crazy they are as long as they are hot. It’s not a perfect strategy and there’s a lot more psychoanalyzing I could do here but have to admit I enjoy flipping the script and sticking it to our toxic culture sometimes.
And before you blame me, consider that I am keeping this whirlwind of distracted, distraught and deranged men busy and out of the local dating pool so that the rest of y’all can engage in your perfectly functional and blissful relationships. You’re welcome.
It’s like Zach Galifianakis once said, “Am I perfect? No. But am I trying to make myself a better person each day? Also no.” As I have said before we will not fully arrive at gender equality until women (and people of color, while we’re at it) can skate by with the same level of mediocrity as the average white man, aged 18-35.
All of these things have given me a new approach to dating in which I have come to look at it as an adventure rather than a means to an end goal of reproducing my genes into an army of little Tara-ists, though the thought is certainly tempting… Anyway, my hope is that my stories of misadventure will at very least provide a little humor that will temporarily distract you from your slow march toward inevitable death

DEEP THOUGHTS

Dear Terror Almond, Why?
-Signed, Alexarc

Dear Alexarc, Because The Betty Pages is desperate for content if they asked me to contribute. Hope that helps! -Terror


DEEP THOUGHTS II

Dear Terror Almond, But why? -Signed, Alexarc

Dear Alexarc, Because. Hope that helps! -Terror


RUN, RONNIE, RUN!
Dear Terror Almond, My girlfriend claims that I refuse to engage in direct communication about our relationship and instead, that I’m always discussing our issues with outsiders rather than talking it out between ourselves. What is your advice? -Signed, Ronnie Dobbs

Dear Ronnie, In the past I made the mistake of complaining about one of my shitty boyfriends to a girl I thought was my best friend at the time. You know how it ended? We broke up and he moved in with her the very next day. It was also clear they had already been seeing each other behind my back by that point. And then a year later, he left her for another man (not that there’s anything wrong with that). And then another year later, she became homeless. She messaged me several times over the next few years but I refused to read any of them. You know why? Because a person who sleeps with your partner behind your back is not your friend no matter how messed up your relationship might be, unless, of course, it was explicitly OK’d by all parties involved. My point is it’s easy for people on the outside to give advice but keep in mind people are, on the whole, shifty m’f’rs and the person you confide in might be silently plotting a way to steal your partner away. Hope that helps!
-Terror

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